Good day! Beautiful people everywhere!!! All you fearfully and wonderfully crafted people I hail una. That’s just me trying out my Pidgin English. I remain your intrepid newscaster Justin Darrq. Today we will be jumping right into the mix with news from four corners of Scriptoria.
SEX SCANDAL ROCKS THE HOUSE OF HEBRON
KING OF ISRAEL CAUGHT PANTS DOWN WITH SOLDIER’S WIFE
I did not have sexual relations with that woman – King David
The stripper king makes the headlines again!!! Superstar King, David Jesse has allegedly been pointed out as the adulterous murderer responsible for the death of decorated warrior Uriah. Though we do not peddle rumors we have it confirmed from reputable sources (Auditors from Nathan Management Services) that the chief executive officer Prophet Nathan confronted the poet/music artiste turned King about his
philantrophy philandering with the wife of said warrior, Bathsheba.
Several interviews with house-help revealed that the king was away from the battle field during this period and his sexual senses were aroused by the alluring view of the lady in question from his rooftop. One of them even joked that the lady was a woman from Sheba and was having her bath, thus all the signs were there to dissuade the king from his amorous advances but he ignored them. hmmm.
WE ARE NOT ABLE
The nation of Israel in keeping with their nature has once again turned down the chance of entering the Promised Land. Fearless leader and visionary, Moses, was reportedly seen fuming at his 12 man cabinet due to their reluctance to advance against Canaan. From what we can gather the votes were 10-2 in favour of a tail-between-legs response as against the Mosaic Mandate.
BW News Network was able to identify one of the supporters of the Mosaic as Caleb who has refused to grant any interview to our on-ground reporters. However we were able to talk to a few of the Hebrew children who surprisingly are not actual children. The general mood of the camp is one of despair and despondency. Attempts to reach Moses have proven abortive at this stage; we will keep pressing to bring you updates.
ETHIOPIAN EUNUCH HANDS IN TRANSFER REQUEST
In what may be the deal of the millennia, a top player in Ethiopian football (sadly due to glitches in our computer network we have no access to his name, let’s call him Al Chaynge) had opened talks with vice president of Samaria Christian FC, Philip Philips over a possible move in the next few days.
Following a night of drama during which the European transfer market was shut, the star has handed in his transfer request in order to force his way out. It is believed to be a major move for the country of Ethiopia and Al Chaynge especially who was last seen in Chariots Express heading for an unknown destination.
VP SCFC Philip Philips was kind enough to give us a few minutes before he boarded Spirit Swift Airlines and reiterated that the deal was already done.
FALL FIRE FALL
It was a day of fun and revelry for the school of prophets as fierce advocate of truth Barrister Elijah threw a barbecue party in honor of the founder of the Hebrew Law School – Sir El Hannora. More details to follow.
STAY TUNED AND FROM ALL OF US HERE AT BLARRQ-WYAT NETWORK NEWS WE SAY HAPPY SEASONS OF THE WORD.
FYI!!! If you were expecting gossip, then I am sorry to disappoint you! LOL…. But seriously think about it – the men of the bible were audaciously flawed! cheiiii — take care!!!!