Happy Birthday to me and Deabie (abi, is it Deabie and I?). Anyways, I want to say a big thank you to everyone who made yesterday special… Don’t worry, I will write a post celebrating every SINGLE one of you. Notice the emphasis on Single? well, as you can probably deduce, this post is all about relationships, breakups and all. So please read and enjoy.
This is Episode 2… Breakup Series Episode 1 HERE…
In my small life I have seen my fair share of wars. I was born years after the Civil war, the 1st and 2nd World wars, the Cold war, the war in Vietnam and even Star wars *dodges hand-grenade*. The only kind of wars I have seen are the petty squabbles of lovers: arguments over my cinema etiquette, arguments over where to go after a not-so-interesting show of “My dog and me” at the cinema, an earlier argument about whether to spend $10 on watching a film about a dog and its owner or an animated movie starring a purple-headed villain-turned-hero or even arguments about who gets to hang up the phone after a call.
I have had my scars, battle bruises etched deep on my ego. After all, and this was the lie I told myself every night before I went to bed, Jesus had to endure 2 nails and 1 cross, give or take 39 whiplashes, just to give us 4giveness. So who was I not to endure the hardships of love? This gave me the courage to face each day with renewed vigor and determination. Through gritted teeth and clenched fists I resolved to bear whatever fate would toss my merry way. Hence my surprise when she called me up one wintry summer night with the news – NO! She wasn’t pregnant.
*HOLD IT – STOP THERE, OYA!!! REVERSE BACK* First off, the only two seasons in Nigeria are rain-time and sun-time (apparently the PDP-led regime have managed to snuff harmattan out of the calendar) and secondly, let us even assume for the sake of assumption that we even have winter and summer, I have never heard of a wintry summer.
*chuckles* My apologies, I was merely taking liberties with the piece of fiction. I probably should have inserted a Disclaimer at the beginning of the article.
Oh well, twas the night before Christmas. Everyone was in high spirits – literally that would mean we were all soaked in bottles of absolute vodka – but I digress. I was particularly excited – ordering a cake – because in about 3 hours 43 minutes and 34, 33, 32 … seconds it would be Cynthia’s birthday.
After my previous foray into a relationship with Kemi (Click here to read that gory tale) I had decided to give love a rest. King Solomon, that ancient lover whose sandals Casanova isn’t worthy to lace, said so explicitly in his love song “do not awaken love”. Who wants their heart broken with carefully spun, well-harnessed verses? I had heard of the bible as a hammer and of God wanting a broken and contrite heart but I didn’t think it was quite literal.
ANYWAYS I stayed away from relationships for a while before I met Cynthia. My senses tingled every time I saw her. How we met is another story – a ferry tale perhaps? *sighs*. We talked all night; I shall not take credit because I hardly had credit for that. Special thanks to MTN and the legendary midnight call extravaganza. She understood me perfectly. We conversed in verses. Every discussion was a foray into deep spiritual jungles. There was also a balance too – we watched movies, ate amala and efo riro with sumptuous chunks of turkey at white house with the occasional kiss here and there.
Then one day it started going downhill. Fights, Fights and Monday Night Fights.
We had acerbic arguments over issues akin to discussions on “The Importance of Imaginary Friends in Global Urbanization”. But like Paul I was gonna fight the good fight, I was gonna finish the course. I had learnt a lesson with Kemi: Commitment was the key. We just had to set our eyes on what brought us together and like Peter we would walk confidently on water amidst the raging storm. That was what I had told her in one of my lengthy motivational speeches a day before. I was pretty confident that my words had struck a resonant tune in her heart. SO when the call came in I wasn’t prepared for what she said next.
“Hello darling” – deep baritone voice, my voice
*absurd silence, given the fact that she called*
“Sweets, what’s the problem? Hope you are gearing up for tomorrow”
*more silence …” – I swear you could hear a pin drop a mile away.
“Honey … Are you there? Can you hear me?”
“I caa … caaan’t do this anymore”
“Cynthia what are you saying?” – My lightning fast mind was already processing the input. I had discarded the pleasantry of pet names and was quickly analyzing the outcome.
*more silence … only this time it was beyond absurd, it was bizarre*
“Hmmm … Cyn …”
“Diekola … you are not in God’s plans for me at this moment!”
“ah mogbe” *tears new Perry Cole boxers and runs into street* cross that out. I didn’t really say or do that. I am not that dramatic.
“What do you mean?” I asked trying to find clarity and at the same time pinging BeeQuad Cakes to cancel my order for a red velvet cake.
“I can’t explain it. But we have grown apart. I have found …”
Okay that’s enough gist for one post. Just know that it was tragic – LOL. Her declaration left me feeling like the aftermath of an apocalyptic war – in tatters. I remembered Kemi’s surgical precision, this one just steamrolled me. And just like that the dreary dalliance was over … THE END
The above was just my creative introduction (fiction in overdrive) to the following. My Top 5 Things to do after a breakup (Please note that suicide of any variety isn’t on the list), if you just got out of a relationship or know someone who has just done a Houdini, then share this with them. I still maintain that I am not advocating playing Russian roulette with your heart.
- Experience the Pain – Wait? You mean actually feel the hurt? Yes. Allow yourself to feel the pain by crying, journaling, praying, etc. gives you the opportunity to explore parts of yourself and know what you are handing over to God as you go from heartache to moving on.
- Give It to God – It sounds cliché, but there is a point when you may start wallowing in your breakup mode. It is okay to experience your pain, but it’s not okay to let it take over your life. As you explore why you feel sad and you understand that it’s okay to feel loss, you need to also be handing over the breakup to God to help ease all the bad feelings you have.
- Take a Break from Dating – As God moves you forward and away from your breakup, you will be amazed at how the doors and windows open up to other dating relationships. Some find comfort in what is sometimes called “relationship jumping,” when they go straight from one relationship to another. The problem with relationship jumping is that those who do this tend to look to others to complete them rather than God.
- Do Fun Things…When You’re Ready – When a dating relationship ends, it’s not the end of the world – even if it feels that way. It is important to get out and live life. Yet, you also want to enjoy the things you do. Read my blog (this is just shameless advertisement)
- Don’t Force the Friendship with the Ex – Your ex may want to stay friends. It’s fine for many, but sometimes breakups aren’t all clean and easy. Sometimes they are messy and emotional. If it hurts you to be around your ex, be honest. It can mean feeling isolated a bit, especially when you share a group of friends. Yet, denying your own feelings and re-opening wounds isn’t good either.
Do you have tips to share with a brother? Please comment and share
All the best…
Much love from Queen BB and I